Daniel and I have been a couple for over 18 years and married for nearly 14 years. With time we have gained perspective on our needs and how we think – both as individuals and collectively. What I have learned during my previous relationships, and even more in this one, is that for the relationship to succeed both parties must be aware of the other person’s needs and how one’s own actions affect the other person. Truly, this applies not just to romantic relationships, but to professional relationships and friendships.
Anyone who
believes that either Danny or I “wears the pants” in our relationship is sorely
mistaken. We both wear the pants both
figuratively and literally – in fact, we’ve even accidentally worn each other’s
pants. Over the last few years, we have
agreed to extend to each other mutual and reciprocal veto power. It’s a power we each use sparingly. I sometimes wish I’d vetoed a trip we took a
couple years ago that led to a period of stress which is still impacting us. But hindsight is seldom actually 20/20, so it’s
difficult to know what our lives would be like if we hadn’t taken the trip in
question.
I recently
reminded Danny that he had veto power and should use it if he thought necessary. Early this month, I saw a post on Next Door
from a woman who needed to rehome her eight-month old puppy. It was a fairly typical scenario: she had a
dog, adopted another partly to keep that dog company, but between the two dogs
and two children, it became too much.
The resemblance between this dog, Brownie, and our dog Mason, was so
striking that it took my breath away. I
told Daniel about it and he was skeptical about adopting another dog –
especially a youngster who would need training, further vaccinations, neutering
and microchipping. I countered that, as
we were making more money than when we adopted Mason and had recently paid off
our mortgage, we had the income. So,
Daniel reluctantly said we could at least meet Brownie.
The next
day, we met with Brownie in a neutral setting.
I immediately noticed how well he got along with the other dog, a Pomeranian. He was very friendly, and typical of many
puppies, has yet to learn not to jump on new human acquaintances. After a few minutes, I pulled Daniel
aside. As we discussed whether to adopt
Brownie, I advised him that if he wanted to veto getting a dog, then there
would be no hard feelings on my part. He
thought about it for a moment, then gave his consent. I spoke to the lady and agreed to adopt
Brownie and pay the modest rehoming fee she wanted, provided she would share his medical records. She agreed, texted
me the records, and offered his crate as well.
Since then, Brownie has become accustomed to the two of us and we to him. The first week was a litany of accidents. But he learned the rules of the house and by the end of that week, we even took him camping with us. Since then, we've taken him to a restaurant with an outdoor patio and a family member's birthday party. For a pup of his age, he’s very well socialized. He had his first visit with our local veterinarian where, after the usual lab tests, he was pronounced “perfect.” Brownie does not have the confidence that Mason had at his age and he suffers from separation anxiety. But he’s learning the rules of the house, has dramatically improved on his potty training, and is learning the usual commands of “sit,” “lay down,” and leash manners. Most important, the bond between Brownie his two humans is strengthening with each day – at times you can feel the Oxytocin flowing.
There are
the usual stresses with introducing a new element into the household. But Danny & I communicate our needs with
each other, support each other’s quest to continually improve ourselves, check
ourselves and each other for shortcomings.
Our mutual and reciprocal veto power is coupled with the wisdom to use
it sparingly and only when absolutely necessary.
Anyone who
tries to come between us, who tries to play one of us against the other, does
to at their own peril. Brownie is
already learning that lesson. Spart pup.
