Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Monday, September 17, 2012
Mitt: Open mouth, insert foot...again
Mitt Romney says that the 47% of Americans who support President Obama don't pay taxes. Mittens, can I have my money back?
In other news...
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
How Modern Banking Works
A banker wakes up one morning, and notices it’s the 5th day of the 5th month. And it occurs to him that he lives on the 5th floor of a building at 555 Fifth Avenue.
He checks his e-mail, and has five messages waiting for him. He sees the headline on the newspaper: 5 MEN RESCUED AT SEA. He turns on the Weather Channel, and the announcer advises “Sunny, fair, high of 55 degrees.”
Now the banker is getting strangely elated. He hails a taxi and sees the license number: 555.
When he gets to work, his secretary has five messages waiting for him. That’s the final signal! He calls up his bookmaker and asks “What’s the name of the 5th horse in the 5th race at Pimlico?” The answer is Five Aces. That does it. He tells the bookie “Put $5,000 on Five Aces to win.”
Five hours later, the bookie calls back and tells the banker, “Your horse came in 5th. You lose.”
The banker slams the phone down and shouts, “That son of a bitch Obama!”
He checks his e-mail, and has five messages waiting for him. He sees the headline on the newspaper: 5 MEN RESCUED AT SEA. He turns on the Weather Channel, and the announcer advises “Sunny, fair, high of 55 degrees.”
Now the banker is getting strangely elated. He hails a taxi and sees the license number: 555.
When he gets to work, his secretary has five messages waiting for him. That’s the final signal! He calls up his bookmaker and asks “What’s the name of the 5th horse in the 5th race at Pimlico?” The answer is Five Aces. That does it. He tells the bookie “Put $5,000 on Five Aces to win.”
Five hours later, the bookie calls back and tells the banker, “Your horse came in 5th. You lose.”
The banker slams the phone down and shouts, “That son of a bitch Obama!”
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Bushisms
There's a bunch of em, but trust me, this list can go on and on and on:
"Just remember it's the birds that's supposed to suffer, not the hunter."—Advising quail hunter and New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici, Roswell, N.M., Jan. 22, 2004
"So thank you for reminding me about the importance of being a good mom and a great volunteer as well."—St. Louis, Jan. 5, 2004
"The best way to find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data."
"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the—the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."—Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003
"I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves."—Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003
"I'm the master of low expectations."—Aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."—Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003
"I think the American people—I hope the American–I don't think, let me—I hope the American people trust me."—Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2002
"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."—Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002
"There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."—Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
"Do you have blacks, too?"—To Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001
"Our nation must come together to unite."—Tampa, Fla., June 4, 2001
"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."
Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000
"The great thing about America is everybody should vote."
Austin, Texas, Dec. 8, 2000
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."
St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000
"There's not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me."
-On the coming Social Security crisis; Wilton, Conn.; June 9, 2000
"The fact that he relies on facts...says things that are not factual...are going to undermine his campaign."
-New York Times, March 4, 2000
"I think we agree, the past is over."
-On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -Reuters, May 5, 2000
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
-In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000
"It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature."
-Los Angeles, Feb. 23, 2000
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
-Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
-Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating."
-U.S. News & World Report, April 3, 2000
"Just remember it's the birds that's supposed to suffer, not the hunter."—Advising quail hunter and New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici, Roswell, N.M., Jan. 22, 2004
"So thank you for reminding me about the importance of being a good mom and a great volunteer as well."—St. Louis, Jan. 5, 2004
"The best way to find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data."
"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the—the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."—Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003
"I glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves."—Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003
"I'm the master of low expectations."—Aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."—Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003
"I think the American people—I hope the American–I don't think, let me—I hope the American people trust me."—Washington, D.C., Dec. 18, 2002
"We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."—Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002
"There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."—Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
"Do you have blacks, too?"—To Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001
"Our nation must come together to unite."—Tampa, Fla., June 4, 2001
"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."
Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000
"The great thing about America is everybody should vote."
Austin, Texas, Dec. 8, 2000
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."
St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000
"There's not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me."
-On the coming Social Security crisis; Wilton, Conn.; June 9, 2000
"The fact that he relies on facts...says things that are not factual...are going to undermine his campaign."
-New York Times, March 4, 2000
"I think we agree, the past is over."
-On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." -Reuters, May 5, 2000
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
-In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000
"It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature."
-Los Angeles, Feb. 23, 2000
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
-Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
-Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating."
-U.S. News & World Report, April 3, 2000
Tuesday, September 9, 2003
Bush Bumper Stickers
Just for fun -
'04 Bush-Cheney Campaign Bumpersticker ideas:
Bush/Cheney '04: "You're either with us or against us!"
Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now!
Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.
Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-voodoo all over again!
Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!
Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind
Bush/Cheney '04: Lies and videotape but no sex!
Bush/Cheney '04: Or else.
Bush/Cheney '04: Over a billion Whoppers served.
Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.
Bush/Cheney '04: The economy's stupid!
Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.
Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!
Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!
Bush/Cheney: 1984
George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency
George W. Bush: Honest as his day is long
George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot
George W. Bush: The buck stops Over There
Let them eat yellowcake! Vote Bush!
Peace &Prosperity Suck -- Big-Time
Vote Bush in '04: "I Has Incumbentory Advantitude"
Vote Bush in '04: "Because every vote counts -- for me!"
Vote Bush in '04: "Because I'm the President, that's why!"
Vote Bush in '04: Because dictatorship is easier
Who would Jesus Bomb?
There there's
Bush and Cheney Got Rich -- Did you?
Bush lied, thousands died -- Impeach Bush Now!
'04 Bush-Cheney Campaign Bumpersticker ideas:
Bush/Cheney '04: "You're either with us or against us!"
Bush/Cheney '04: Apocalypse Now!
Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.
Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism
Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-voodoo all over again!
Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!
Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind
Bush/Cheney '04: Lies and videotape but no sex!
Bush/Cheney '04: Or else.
Bush/Cheney '04: Over a billion Whoppers served.
Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.
Bush/Cheney '04: The economy's stupid!
Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.
Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!
Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!
Bush/Cheney: 1984
George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency
George W. Bush: Honest as his day is long
George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot
George W. Bush: The buck stops Over There
Let them eat yellowcake! Vote Bush!
Peace &Prosperity Suck -- Big-Time
Vote Bush in '04: "I Has Incumbentory Advantitude"
Vote Bush in '04: "Because every vote counts -- for me!"
Vote Bush in '04: "Because I'm the President, that's why!"
Vote Bush in '04: Because dictatorship is easier
Who would Jesus Bomb?
There there's
Bush and Cheney Got Rich -- Did you?
Bush lied, thousands died -- Impeach Bush Now!
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